My parents bought the house I lived in throughout my entire childhood when I was about two years old.
It was small and yellow and had black shutters. There was pool in back and a basketball hoop attached to the garage.
It was home. It’s still home, in many ways.
My parents continue to live there, and I visit every summer.
I wanted that for my children; to establish a family home that withstood generations as our family changed and grew. I wanted to watch it transform through the years as we settled in and personalized it to our family’s lifestyle.
Drew and I closed on our house nearly six years ago, after we moved to the Charlotte area for a job opportunity. I was 34 weeks pregnant with Dylan and Sydney was turning two years old. She wore her hair in little pigtails nearly every day.
I moved out of that house a week ago.
Out of the “marital” home, where I had lived with only the children for the past two years.
When I first learned that I’d have to move—that there was no way that I could assume the mortgage on a house that was purchased with a physician’s income, I was devastated.
Jack, ever the voice of reason, freed me from my angst by telling me how much better his daughter fared after they moved out of their house and they weren’t living with memories of an intact family. Make a new home, he urged, one that you choose with the only the three of you in mind.
Ever since that conversation, I longed to leave. To crawl out from under the burden of a house that I couldn’t afford, in a neighborhood plagued with several nosy, judgmental neighbors, in an area of town that is far from my work and most of the friends I’ve made since the inception of my single life.
I was hopeful that I could move last March. But a judge said no, based on some papers filed by the plaintiff.
I anticipated that the custody dispute would be settled by early fall, but an ill guardian ad litem delayed the decision for months.
Finally, in November, all the shackles were removed. I was free to leave the house that I’d begun to loathe.
So I moved out last week, in a haze of packing and painting and boxes and organizing.
By his choice, Drew is moving back in this weekend.
I don’t understand his decision to return to that home. The home that the children have never slept in without me. The home that the neighbors consider to be “Tara’s house”. The home that was chosen with me, decorated and cared for by me, and left by him.
I suspect that the children will look for me for months. I know the neighbors are apprehensive at the change, although he boasts that he’ll be welcomed with open arms.
I can’t imagine how another woman—a new relationship—will feel, spending time with a man who is surrounded by the remnants of his old life. A life that clearly made him miserable.
I think the fact that he’s returning to that house is weird and unhealthy. I think it will inhibit the emotional adjustment of the children. I think it will prolong his blatant animosity toward me, and mine toward him.
Maybe that’s just me, projecting a sense of loss. Dreading the day when I’m there only as a guest, rather than as the resident. It’s possible that everyone else in the world will interpret his actions as brave, or justifiable, or wise.
But I don’t.
Yet I have no control over it. Once I handed over the key, that house was no longer my business, and I have no intention of speaking of this again. Because I have a new home now. Chosen by me, filled with my children’s toys and our friends. Free of memories and obligation and loss.
It’s his bed now, he can lay in it.
Hopefully he’ll be happier this time around.
It isn’t the house that makes the memories – it’s the people in it. Granted, it would have been better to make a complete break from the old house, but wherever YOU are will be home for them. Our children resisted us moving out of our large house for a smaller one when we became empty nesters. They both grew up in that house and had wonderful memories, but they found out quickly that houses are empty shells without those that love you in them – and wherever a mother’s love is, that’s home.
You will be oh so much happier. I hate the process of moving, but love being in a new space. This is YOUR space with your babies. It will be all yours and you will love it. You will have fantastic new memories and where ever you, their mother, is–that’s home. Dave Ramsey said “a house is just a house, there’s one on every corner.” It’s what’s inside that makes it a home–and that’s you, my friend.
That sounds crazy and spiteful …..
Unfortunately men don’t view things the way women do. I am learning this more everyday. To him it is just a house. The “new” spouse will/should feel the oddness of it. If it were me, I would want my own house. Any way, I am glad you have a new start.
Tara,
I’m glad that you finally are out and have a new home of your own. Regarding your ex taking over the old house – I think men just don’t generally have all those emotional attachments that some women have with “stuff.” He likely sees it as a house he generally likes that is convenient to work in a nice neighborhood. He might even think it will be easier for the kids because it’s a house they know.
Also, kids are resilient. They will likely be just fine with all of this and not really have any issues at all. And soon enough, the neighbors will think of it as his house….. Time marches on.
Thanks for this comment, Michelle. I found it to be very comforting. You may be right.
The fact that he moved back in to the home, the home where you all were together at one time, and now you aren’t together as a family in that home anymore, is kind of unnerving. It seems cold hearted of him. How can he not be saddened? It seems it would be a constant reminder of what is missing and what he lost. Everybody is different and deals with things differently. But still, it makes me sad that he doesn’t seem bothered by it. I wish you the very best. It is not easy going through something like this. Be around those who are true, and who genuinely care about you, who build you up, not tear you down, and are a support system for you, and who want what is best for you and your children.
My ex got our house in the divorce. I was glad because that house held nothing but sad feelings. Its where he was unfaithful. Its where he told me I was worthless. It was where he broke up our family for his selfish reasons. I wouldnt want that house even if someone paid me to live there. I bought a house for my kids and I. We are establishing our own new memories of our new intact family. The kids love it. I am happy and, in turn, my kids are happy. I am not sure why people would want to move back into a house that was once a family home. I just know that my heart and spirit couldnt have taken it. Don’t pay attention to why he does things because sometimes, there are no reasons. You deserve happiness
Congrats on your new home Tara! I’m sure you’ll create all your own happy, crazy, silly memories there together
I too find it strange that he would move back into that house. But as others have said – men are different. They don’t do emotional attachments as most of us women do. I still think it’s strange though.
I’m so happy that you moved out of that house and closed that chapter on your life. I can’t wait to hear the new stories and memories you will create for you and your two amazing kiddos!
My first question:
Did you leave frozen shrimp in the curtain rods? I heard a story one time about a person who did that in a similar situation and it made me laugh because it took a LONG, LONG time for the person taking over to figure out where “that smell” was coming from!!
My second question:
Is the housing market in your area as bad as it is in the rest of the country? If so, you probably “sold” that house to Drew for a fair price. Good job!!
Enjoyed our conversation a while back. Things still aren’t resolved over here, but getting closer.