I know.
It’s like you’re my best friend from college. You know, the one I parted with after promising “I’m going to visit you every month, I swear”. The one that totally knew about that uncomfortable moment with the guy with whom I student taught. The one who explained the sexual innuendo in that movie that time and didn’t even laugh.
But then we got busy. Our phone calls went from twice weekly to once a month and then suddenly, it’s been over six months and I feel guilty that the only thing I did to celebrate your birthday was write, “Eat lots of cake for me!” on your Facebook wall.
I want to call, but I wonder if you’re kind of pissed. Certainly, I’ve been replaced. There’s clearly some new friend who listens to your work woes and tries all the fad diets for exactly three days before she eats six cookies in the span of four minutes in the middle of the night. Oh god, what if I call and it’s all awkward and apparent that we’ve both changed too much to ever be particularly close again?
Yeah. That’s totally me with this blog.
You see, life got hairy for a little while. Divorce drama reached its zenith and suddenly my life was inundated with lawyers and private investigators and mediators and documentation and legal bills and feeling super anxious all the time.
And then we went to court and the kindly judge was all, “Why do I keep hearing complaints about this blog?” And I was all weary and defeated and was like, “I don’t know, dude, but clearly that man is super pissed and doesn’t have the coping skills to just look away.” So then he’s all, “I haven’t read any of it to see what the fuss is about, but are you willing to participate in a gag order?” And before my lawyer had time to smack me in the head with the twenty-pound file he held in his hand, I was all, “Sure. I don’t care. Just make him stop.”
So, it was proclaimed. No writing about anything dealing with divorce. No showing any pictures of the kids. No expressing myself in any way that could possibly offend the angry man or his righteous family members who clustered behind him in the court room like the human equivalent of some soothing diaper rash cream. You know, inappropriate to be used by a 37 year-old man.
And then I had to pay the piper from The Lawyer. He was all rage-y and “How long are you going to let him take over your thoughts and self-esteem and decision-making ability?” and for a second I felt all exposed and like he knew something about me that I didn’t even know about me. So I told him to be quiet and stop bossing me around. I told him that he shouldn’t replace my husband’s voice with his own. He retorted by tossing words at me like “freedom of speech” and “you’re keeping me up at night, dammit” and I just wanted to go home and take a nap.
But, it was done and I just had to live with it. But at least it made things less complicated. I stopped hearing my girl make statements like, ”Daddy was printing out a whole bunch of pages on your blog last night.” I didn’t have to worry about which phrases would be taken out of context, highlighted, and inserted into a legal document in an attempt to make me sound drunk, easy, or neglectful of my children.
But the divorce is over. It’s been over. I’ve been consumed with forms to fill out, finding a place to live, finishing my book, and working with clients who give me purpose beyond being a mother and an ex-wife.
Plus, there’s the whole, “What do I write on my blog? How do I explain this? Should I explain this?”
But I think I should explain this. At least some of it. Not necessarily for your benefit, but for mine.
So, if you’re still around, hang tight. I haven’t figured out what to say yet, but I’ve clearly got to dust off this computer and start writing.
You know, and see if we can still be friends.
Friends forever.
You go girl!
All I can say is wow!! Happy that your ordeal is over and you can move on with your life. Happiness awaits you my friend
Sheeeeeeeee’s baaaAAAAaack…. (yay!)
(I said that like the poltergeist girl in my head at the line about diaper rash.) since I was busy feeling clever I forgot to say how much I have missed your voice. You are brilliant and courageous and this is what it is, I’m relieved for you that this new chapter is finally begun and the last one is signed dotted and filed.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can’t wait to see what you come up with!!!!
(Maybe what I write will get highlighted and entered into a legal brief!) I hope you can breathe now.
I modified what you wrote so I wouldn’t have to take too much flack. I hope you understand.
Ok. I enjoy your blog and have followed along your jouney not realizing I would be here two years later. Thanks for your writing so I know that I will come out on the other side. I am day 2.
Oh. Oh. I hate this for you. Get a good lawyer and surround yourself with good friends. Real friends.
So proud of you! Way to stand up to your ex and your lawyer!
I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you and your wit and your wisdom and most of all, your “been there.” I’m glad you came out whole on the other side and I can’t wait to hear what’s next.
Though we talk often, I have missed your written voice. So glad you’re back.
Squee!!!!! So, SO glad you’re gonna be around again. Your writing is fantabulous and has been missed. Completely understand the “whatever it takes to get this over” response. We’ve got your back. Let us know when happy hour is and we’ll all catch up.
WHOOOO!
So glad you’re back!
This is great news!
I’m so happy to see you blogging. BTW why do my clothes have green paint all over them?
I feel like you’re not appreciating the fact that I promoted you to “head painter” at my new place. Be grateful, man. I mean, the pay is nonexistent and the house has no heat yet, but you totally get to pick the music at least 30% of the time.
Apparently, we are all still here! I’ve definitely missed your musings, but understand completely that you gotta do what you gotta do. I hope that you are healing and still retain your feistiness. Merry Christmas to you and I hope 2013 is way better than 2012
BFFs, right?
Been wondering how you’ve been the last few weeks. Hope you’re taking care of you. Hugs from NY.
I have so much to tell you. We need a phone call.
Throughout these last 2 years, we have tried to be supportive of both of you. How would you feel if someone you cared about wrote public derogatory and hurtful things about you or the people you love?
In future blogs, we’d appreciate it if youwould consider our feelings.
Alas, maybe not ALL the highlighters have found their way back to the drawer quite yet. Someone once said about writing “anyone who has survived childhood has enough material to last for a lifetime”. It is strange challenge I deal with on my blog, too. Its about my life, and really letting it be about my life experience even when there are those who would offer up a limb to have me cast aside those old silly FACTS and make my life in the image of someone far less sensitive or feisty.
I wish I could write only pleasant things, I do! But this is where life finds me today and knowing where that is means I can decide what to do tomorrow. Like they say, sometimes you just can’t polish that turd any brighter.
Dear Tara,
I’ve never met “Drew” or your in-laws and I really couldn’t care less about them. To me, as a mere faraway blog follower, they are just the background for the story of Tara. I’ve been following your blog since my own day 70 or so, and I have found it unbelievably loving, helpful, and hilarious. On six separate nights I have laughed until I cried at the entry where you think you have lice. (My kids actually got lice on Day 40 or so, so it’s especially meaningful to me.) But aside from the finding the funny, it was just so intense to see someone a few steps ahead on the path I was treading: trying to repair the marriage, gradually realizing it wasn’t going to happen, gradually realizing what a mess it was going to be, seeing the children cry and change and come to terms with it all. You are so generous for sharing it all with strangers like me. Thank you. Thank God you’re back.
Olivia (now Day more than 600, probably–depends where you start the count.)
Thanks for reading, Olivia. Day 600 was hell. Absolute hell. I hope it’s going better for you.
To J and L,
I know how hard this divorce has been for you, how hard it’s been all these 700+ plus days. Because the thing is that when a divorce occurs it occurs between more than just the husband and wife – it’s also between the friends and the family members. People take sides, it’s unavoidable and in many cases intensely necessary. And while the break-up is happening it’s all fraught and charged and intense and necessary, very necessary, to be part of everything that’s happening and stay on top of every little detail about what the other side is doing so you can best serve your side.
But then the divorce is over and everyone breathes a sigh of relief at being released from battle. And everyone is now free to turn their attention back onto their own life and redirect their energy into rebuilding and helping their person, the person they were fighting for, put their life back in order, and get used to the new normal–even if it’s not what you pictured, even if it’s not exactly what you were fighting for. But it’s the reality and there’s nothing left to do but go forward.
And like any break-up, it’s hard to let go. It’s so hard to give up the vigilance, the belief that you have a right to know, to be heard and accounted for. Plus, let’s be honest, if you continue to keep tightly ahold of their lives, and tell yourself you have influence, then you don’t have to face that it’s really over, right? But it is. It is really over and it is really time to move on. I know I’ve never been divorced, but I’ve been through more than my share of ugly, heartbreaking breakups. And I know how exactly how tempting it is to hang on to any thread of connection with your ex, even when its only causes you pain. If any of my ex-boyfriends had written blogs…wow, I can’t imagine how long it would have taken me to move on.
But move on you must, J and L.
So here’s my advice, given without any sarcasm or ulterior motive. Stop reading this blog. Seriously. You are rarely going to find anything here that doesn’t either make you mad, hurt your feelings or hurt your heart –even the humorous retelling of moments with the children will likely hurt you because it will be a reminder of this new normal. The temptation to read will be intense, but you have to fight past it. Because here’s the thing: this blog is just words floating in the internet, it has no real power to hurt you, or affect your life in any way, UNLESS YOU LET IT. That’s a choice you make each time you go to this web address.
So seriously, J and L, next time you have the urge to check her blog, go for a long walk, make a cup of tea, find a good book to read. Eventually it will get easier and easier to resist, and one day, you’ll realize you can’t remember the last time you thought about this blog, and you’ll see how good that feels. And THAT’s when you know the healing has begun, and you’ve moved on. And that’s a great place to be; a place I hope you can get to soon. Sincerely.
I’m sad for you that you can’t just write a blog post without your ex-husband’s family interfering. The thing is, they’ve probably have created a story in their mind about you and the divorce and your ex’s role in it that’s their version of the “truth”. Their “truth” is certainly different than yours and is probably actually quite different from Drew’s. The thing is, they seem to think that their entitled to their truth, and maybe Drew is entitled to his, but somehow, you’re not. Or if you are, it needs to stay locked away where it can’t possibly be seen or learned from by anyone else. And they probably have made their truth look a little rosier than it really is in order to keep their good opinion of Drew intact. It’s so much easier just to blame you then to truly, deeply understand that it took both of you to get to this place. And I suspect that they understand very little of what you write about. They don’t read to understand you or what it’s like to be a daughter/mother/ex-wife. They don’t understand that they are only characters in your story because they’ve inserted themselves there.
The thing is, they can choose not to read this blog. They can. But you can’t choose to opt out of the fallout of this divorce. And you’re not responsible for protecting their feelings. You’re not a member of their family anymore, despite the connection you have to them through your children. You’re never going to move on or heal if you write each blog post with the thought lurking in your head, “Is this going to offend them? Is this going to hurt them?”. Because nothing you do is ever going to be good enough again–even if you were to stop writing this blog today. And you’re not going to be proud of yourself if you let this gag order seep into who you are as a writer, as a divorced woman, and a mother who wants her kids to someday read about how hard you loved them during this divorce.
Please keep writing. I’m on Day 252.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I just had to say “Go Mer!”
I’ve followed your Blog for some time. I’m glad to see that you are moving on to your next chapter. I’m looking forward to hearing about the new happier things in your life! You GO GIRL!
Hey Tara, not for nothing, but I have never felt like you’ve been derogatory or hurtful, you are going through a breakup, and breakups are hard.
Keep on keeping on and you’ll get through…and so will everyone else.
Mer is my hero