With divorce comes a loss of control.
Everything changes. Everything.
Your sense of failure is great. The woman in the mirror is a foreigner.
You have to redefine yourself. Over and over and over.
Just yesterday I was saying to a friend there are parts of myself that I don’t understand; is the “me” that existed when I was part of a couple different from the “me” that exists when I’m on my own? Is the “me” that’s on my own just a temporary “me”, destined to be wiped away if I ever become part of a couple again?
Hmm.
There’s so much of the single me that I plan to keep if I ever become part of a couple again. The ability to make my own decisions. The willingness to entertain myself. The understanding that while a partner can be a nice thing to have, it’s certainly not necessary to be happy. I never want to be financially dependent on anyone again. I never want to be with someone who asks me to choose between my interests/talents/friends and them. I never want to be with someone who equates control with love. I never want to be with someone who isn’t proud to be with me every single day.
Other aspects of the single me? Eh, they can feel free to mosey along at some point. The feelings of isolation. The need to make every single decision on my own, regardless of my knowledge level or competence in that particular domain. The reluctance to trust people. The lingering feelings of grief and confusion.
Most of all, the faltering self-esteem.
That needs to GO.
A few weeks ago, while out to dinner with my friend Mandie from Got What it Cakes, she introduced me to Kristi Pope of KCP Photography. As the night progressed, the conversation gradually came around to some of the more unsavory details of my life. She learned of the tremendous transitions I’m experiencing and my attempt (sometimes poorly executed) to handle them with dignity.
The next day, she contacted me and asked me to serve as a model for her new Beauty Photography line, which specializes in Contemporary Portraits for Real Women.
I was initially like, “Me? A model?” (bats eyelashes)
She explained the concept behind her new venture. How it’s all about empowerment, finding your inner beauty, radiating confidence from within so that you sparkle in front of the camera. She encourages women to wear apparel that make them feel beautiful and sexy and strong.
I was all, “Oh my goodness! I’ve got so much sparkle underneath all these saggy bits and inner thigh fat!”
Then she told me that she doesn’t airbrush things like saggy bits and inner thigh fat.
(silence)
I know.
What’s the point of getting pictures taken if I’m not going to be airbrushed into oblivion so that a prettier, younger, more taut me can take center stage? How else am I going to get bigger breasts on my budget?
I know. It was a hard pill to swallow.
Then I was all, “Listen, Tara. You’re 35 years old with two children. The divorce diet has pretty much taken care of your muffin top, and those wrinkles are only going to get worse over time. You’re pretty much the hottest you’re going to be from here on out. Take pictures and capture this fleeting moment in time.”
So I decided to work it. I greeted Kristi at the door in a black bra and yoga pants (she totally pretended that she didn’t think I was weird) and informed her that I wanted to be edgy and veer outside of my normal demure look. I donned something black and sheer and we primped and glued and tousled various parts of me.
I put on false eyelashes, y’all. I felt like Adele.
(Um, Kristi has a makeup/hair stylish working with her—Kajal by Kimberly. She helps you feel beautiful.)
It was liberating, as I have no one who is going to look at these pictures and feel entitled to critique my willingness to get into touch with my inner sensuality.
No one has any claim over me, you see.
Now, make no mistake. These are not boudoir photos. They are not photos designed to titillate or tease men. The only “exposing” these photos do is of inner confidence. It’s a type of photo shoot completely designed to focus on YOU, the woman. The real woman. The woman unencumbered by society’s messages about beauty and weight-consciousness and adolescent hang-ups. You’re supposed to forget about your extra back fat, freckles, and funny earlobes. You’re supposed to shut out the voice from that mean girl or ex-boyfriend who said you weren’t pretty enough, special enough, or likable enough.
There was a lot of laughing. We listened to music. The consumption of wine was discussed.
After a while, I forgot to suck in my stomach.
After a while, I stopped thinking about her and started thinking about me.
Turned out, it had been a while.
So, hi. I’m Tara.
Related posts:
Hey there hot, sexy mama! So empowering! You’re always gorgeous (inside and out), but I like the flirtatious confidence that she captured in that photo. Brava to you both!
Thanks! It was pretty fun. I think it helped that Kristi is a woman, versus a man. No reason to be self-conscious.
Stunning Tara… Not just the photo but your words. What a strong and beautiful woman you are. Thanks for reminding me what beauty is about… Self acceptance, the ability to laugh at yourself and most important being who we are with what god gives us!! You rock!!!
Oh, yes, we definitely laughed. And I’m probably more confident about myself now than I’ve ever been. I’ve had such an awful year, but I’ve come through it intact and I’ve surprised myself with my resiliency and competence.
Just love everything about this post and the picture(s)! Congratulations my friend on discovering that the outer you is just as fabulous as the inner you!
What a stunning picture of you, Tara. Divorce does look amazing on you
. I think I may have a crush on you now.
I knew it!
OMG….u looook STUNNNING!!!!!! hotnesss!!!
Aww, shucks. Remember, it’s all smoke and mirrors…or fake eyelashes and curled hair, that is.
So beautiful and amazing.
What’s the big deal? That’s the beautiful you we’ve always seen you as already. It was going to take a stunning photo to match the words you’ve given us for so long.
Mission accomplished.
p.s. Beautiful words come from beautiful places.
Thanks, Gigi. Um, we all realize that I don’t look like that every day, right?
To us you do.
Tara! These photos are beautiful! You go!
Good for you – and it’s true, you ain’t getting any younger :p
Is it petty to say I’m a little jealous that you lost your muffin top? I am.
It’s not petty at all. I completely understand. That’s pretty much the best thing that’s happened to me as a result of this divorce.
Hi Tara, nice to meet you! You are beautiful. <3
The beginning part of this post made me feel like I should share a quote I just hung on my fridge yesterday. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ee cummings
Your courage shines through in the post, and in the picture. I also see hopefulness. This is very encouraging to those of us who are a step behind you. Blessings on your journey, and thanks for sharing it with us.
The last few months, I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve been run over by a truck over and over. Each time I’ve tried to get up, another one would come along. I suspect I’ll feel like that until the actual papers are signed, but I’m getting so much closer every day. I am SO ready to move on with my life. So ready. There is so much potential within sight, and I know I’ve already come so far.
Hey girl,
You look fabulous. Love the curious pose – and the lashes look amazing.
What a fun thing you did for yourself.
Hugs to the single you.
Your confidence and sense of empowerment from this experience is inspiring! (and you look absolutely gorgeous–I wouldn’t have a clue how to put on false eyelashes. I’d likely end up gluing my eyes shut!) Well done!
You look fabulous in your picture, and she seems to have captured your spirit
I hope you are starting to feel like Stella and getting your “groove” back. One of my favorite quotes that I felt described me perfectly throughout this “hell” was “Every day is a battle. But whatever. I’m scrappy.” So please continue to be scrappy!
LOVE love love this post, Tara.
You look tres hot. Like a prettier Laura Enever.
Ok obviously you are now going to know I’m way behind on your blog BUT Im catching up now and making up for lost time. HOT ASS PICTURE!!!!! Love reading the evolution of YOU in all these life changes. xoxoxo