There are a lot of crappy things associated with being separated.
Losing a sense of security. Estrangement from family. Wondering if my married name has only been on loan for the past 10 years.
But one of the worst things, for me, is the tremendous emotional highs and lows.
As much as I’d like to just brush myself off, hit the reset button, and rededicate myself to my goal of marrying Neil Patrick Harris and becoming a finalist on American Idol, I’ve committed to navigating this marital turmoil in a quest to someday reunite our family.
To make it a better, stronger, happier family.
Cause we are working on it, you see. The fat lady hasn’t sang. We’re not just walking away, licking our wounds, and moving on with life.
We’re staying all vulnerable and open and raw.
For every ten moments of doubt there is a corresponding moment of hope.
Although some days are so very disheartening.
Some days I fight to keep the end goal in sight.
Some days I have to remind myself that I have a three year-old boy upstairs who will have no memory of his parents being married if we don’t work this out.
Which seems so very awful, particularly in light of the fact that I have been married for nearly 10 years, and with this man for a total of 15. Almost half of my life.
If Dylan lives until he’s 80 years old, he’ll only have had parents who were married to each other for 1/20 of his life. Sydney, 1/13.
That hardly seems enough.
And while I realize that the above statements are not a reason for which to remain married, it does keep me from completely rejecting the idea of reconciliation when I’m feeling so very sad, angry, or self-pitying.
There have been some ugly moments, for sure.
Some of these moments have been seared into my brain, and I feel permanently altered because of them.
But there are some things I’ve gained.
Perspective. The realization that it’s okay to be taken care of once in a while. Awareness of my high degree of resilience. Confirmation that with the help of the right therapist, insight can be gained without sacrificing self-esteem.
It should be acknowledged that, lately, there has been some . . . growth.
So I’m going to just stop and celebrate that for a moment.